Wade's Journal - 2004
May 20, 2004
June 5, 2004
June 14, 2004
July 7, 2004
July 20, 2004
August 7, 2004
August 30, 2004
Sept. 9, 2004
Sept. 26, 2004
Oct. 1, 2004
Oct. 7, 2004
Oct. 16, 2004
Oct. 21, 2004
Oct. 23, 2004
Oct. 28, 2004
Nov. 1, 2004
Nov. 6, 2004
Nov. 15, 2004
Dec. 12, 2004
May 20, 2004
My newly found confidence rooted in expecting the worst suffered a set back early this week as I suffered some anxiety preparing my book for the printer – aggravated by some minor external annoyances. But I snapped out of it fairly quickly and am back into my groove, facilitated by having started up my exercise routine again.
I’ve also started keeping a list of my “bottom lines,” as suggested by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way. I’ll update them periodically and maybe print them out to post in some conspicuous place. Currently, in order of priority, they read: Exercise daily Increase taxi driving to 25 hours/week Eat fresh veggies early PM Take homemade sandwiches. Limit time reading news to about one hour a day. Lose more weight. Email early, write and/do outreach in afternoon, read news late night.
Getting the book back from the printer helped too. It looks good. Hopefully, the content will hold up as well.
Tons to do before I go to DC for the Conference. But with my new attitude, I feel good about being able to do just what I can do and let the chips fall where they may.
And we’ve actually received a fair amount of good proposed answers to our Workshop question, so that feels good. And 27 of the 100 From Wade subscribers have subscribed to this Journal, and that feels good. It’s heartwarming knowing that 27 people care enough about me to want to read about my navel-gazing. If I’m going to be a writer, I may have to get used to even more solitude. And this journal is a way to break out of my cocoon, or my womb of a room, and make contact with some people. At least this way, if I start going off the deep end, maybe someone will notice and “intervene.” :-)
Not very many people agree with me, but I still think that the main reason Bush invaded Iraq was to boost his chances for re-election. Many leftists assign imperialist motives to the decision. But I still believe that soft imperialism is more effective, from the point of view of the Empire. And I don’t believe that there was ever anything close to a consensus among the elite about the invasion, because they knew what was down the pike. Even Bush Sr. and his people like Brent Scowcroft telegraphed their opposition. No wonder Bush Jr. did not consult with his father on the question.
Others find it hard to believe that a President would be so self-serving as to start a war for his own self-interest. But apparently, Machiavelli was the guru of the neo-con’s guru, who I believe was at the University of Chicago. Maybe his name was Schwartz, I’m not sure. Their worship of Machiavelli speaks volumes.
Anyone who doubts that Bush would be so cold in his desire to be re-elected should read Gail Sheehy’s profile of Bush published prior to the 2000 election. He will do ANYTHING to win. Or apparently, read Bush’s Brain, about Karl Rove.
Bush could have settled for Afghanistan and put all that money and many more troops into Afghanistan to cleanse it of terrorists. They cobbled together a central government there that the international community accepted as legitimate. They had a reasonably effective head of government. They could have made Afghanistan their model for the Middle East. But no, that would not have resulted so clearly in Bush being a “war President.” Rather, it would have made him “Bush the Nation Builder,” an anathema to the radical right.
So he goes into Iraq, where he knows there will be major ongoing conflict and chaos. Don’t believe for a minute how shocked, oh how shocked, they are that things got so rough. Not only does the chaos lead many Iraqis to temporarily accept the American presence more than they would otherwise. And the chaos will lead the Iraqis to endorse the transitional government, as I’ve written about before.
But recently, it also struck me that the chaos will also make it easier for Bush to withdraw from Iraq more quickly.
So I predict that shortly after June 30, the new interim government will specify a deadline for U.S. troops to be gone, probably within a month or two. And Bush will agree, and declare victory. Machiavelli would be proud.
He has no choice. If he doesn’t, he is toast. Agreeing to withdraw might even enable him to win.
But I doubt it. My reading of the network news is that the media is presenting a distinctly anti-Bush bias in its reporting. And the Republicans in the Senate are giving Bush a very hard time – to the point that earlier today he went over to the Capitol to try to shore up his support. But from what I heard on CBS Radio news tonight, he was unsuccessful. His visit was too short and consisted only of a brief speech that consisted of his standard clichés that he uses with the general public. No dialogue. No questions and answers. Just a pep rally speech. How pathetic. The god damn Senate is our House of Lords. No one represents the Power Elite more than the Senate. And Bush and his people repeatedly disrespect the Senate. Absolutely amazing. They out do Achilles.
I tend to agree with those who believe that once the 1972 election was over, the Power Elite formed a consensus to get rid of Nixon because he had proven to be too independent and out of control. He quickly and unilaterally took the U.S. off the gold standard. And he approved the Huston Plan, which dramatically loosened controls on domestic spying, without consulting with his Attorney General, John Mitchell, and over the objections of J. Edgar Hoover and others in the intelligence community. Presidents had best be careful when they start stepping on the toes of the intelligence community. Hell, Hoover or Mitchell may have been Deep Throat.
And Lord knows the Bush Administration has repeatedly offended the intelligence community. Anyway, shortly after the 1972 election was over, the media finally started covering the Watergate break-in, and Nixon eventually fell. I think a similar process is happening with Bush.
Bush and his cabal executed a stealth coup and proceed to impose an extremist, radical right, born again fundamentalism on the United States government. But worse yet, they have magnified anti-Americanism throughout the world and virulent anti-Americanism is not good for business. Kerry offers a safe Establishmentarian alternative.
So Bush is on his way back to Crawford – where he belongs. Bush and Texas were made for each other.
June 5, 2004
I was greatly encouraged today, prior to the Belmont Stakes (the third leg of the Triple Crown) by an interview on NBC with John Service, the trainer of Smarty Jones’ (who won the first two legs and was expected to win the third). When asked if he would accept any of the lucrative offers that he’s receiving following his recent success (since doing so would involve moving to another city), he said that he would wait a year for his oldest son to graduate from high school and then he would sit down with his family and they would decide “as a family.” This approach, which is hardly unusual these days, stands in stark contrast to the patriarchal model from years’ past, when Father Knew Best. As George Lakoff points out in Moral Politics, this shift is also reflected in a significantly different approach to parenting in general, especially with regard to punishment – as reflected in part by the kind of books on parenting that are selling best. These changes in parenting are laying the groundwork for major political change in the near future. No wonder George W. Bush apparently feels the ground shaking underneath his feet.
Sitting here alone in my friends’ house in a DC suburb, after finally catching up on the sleep that I lost due to the excitement and demands of the Take Back America conference, I am jazzed by what I learned and experienced at that conference. I’ll be here another three days, during which I’ll spend most of my time at the computer digesting the conference, compiling reports on it, and preparing for our June 13 workshop in San Francisco. I’ll work at a deliberate pace, take time to socialize with my friends and see a movie, and meet with one or two more DC activists before I leave.
Then when I return to SF, I expect to alter my normal schedule for a week to prepare further for the June 13 workshop, but thereafter, I’m resolved to return to that discipline: watch TV news while eating, exercise after breakfast, write 2-3 hours in the afternoon, read news on the Net no more than one hour a day, deal with email as quickly as possible during the intermittent periods, and chill out before going to bed by watching the Daily Show and recordings of one of my regular TV shows (Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, Deadwood, The Shield, and CSI: Miami). In addition, I’ll take at least several hours once a week to play, kick back, or commune with Mother Nature, and at least 24 hours once a month for the same. What I write during the 2-3 hours a day that I have for being creative or productive remains to be seen. It may be various proposals for action or Open Letters of all sorts, or articles, or a rewrite of my book, which could become two books, one A Letter to Middle America and another A Letter to Progressive Activists.
Only time will tell. But what is most important is that I need to recognize and accept my limits. I only have 2-3 hours a day to be productive (though I can talk about stuff with my taxi passengers), especially if I start saving some money for my old age. Considering that I will once again be broke after this trip, it’s past time to start saving. Not having been very disciplined, saving has hardly been a strong suit of mine.
--Wade Hudson
http://towardpeace.org
June 14, 2004
I’m beginning to get a bit too stressed. My “to do” lists are is growing. Tomorrow I leave town for 24 hours to commune with Mother Nature and it is definitely time to get away. Hopefully, once I return, I’ll be able to get back into my discipline, now that the Conference and Workshop are over.
I feel good about how the workshop went yesterday. Some good, strong connections with some new people. And some good, new ideas for an ongoing Strategy Workshop. I’m particularly encouraged that Susan Strong with The Metaphor Project offered to facilitate the next workshop. And I liked her proposal to focus on a title and key slogans as an outline for a new statement of principles.
But my workload has grown a bit as a result, and more ideas are on the horizon for new projects. I keep telling myself, don’t try to do too much too quickly. Be realistic.
Feeling at times like a reincarnation of Don Quixote, I recently looked up the definition of quixotic in the dictionary. It touched on being noble fighting for what is right, and it also touched on being foolish and unrealistic. So maybe if I avoid being unrealistic, I won’t be quixotic after all!
CommonDreams publishing my article on the Conference was reassuring, and provides some hope for the future. But even more encouraging is that the Campaign for America’s Future placed a link to the article on their homepage, second from the top of the long list of links to articles about the Conference. That placement suggests that they thought highly of the piece, even though it included some criticisms of the Conference.
I’m also encouraged by Zinn’s comments about my book. I realize, however, that he is very kind and generous in general. And the fact remains that I’ve received relatively little feedback so far. It seems clear to me that the book in its current form is unlikely to ring many bells, despite Zinn’s strong endorsement.
Got some exercise today, which is important, for I’ve noticed more shortness of breath recently.
At least I have no more deadlines facing me now. Just a lot of work.
But what the heck. At least I enjoy it. Otherwise, I might be playing blackjack.
And I have a three-week visit in Seattle to look forward to.
And the demise of George W. – hopefully. I was very intrigued with Soros’ comments at the Conference. As I have, he believes that the Bush Administration has actually been very clever with its Iraq strategy. I guess great minds work on the same wavelength. Whether they pull it off remains to be seen. But establishing Bush as the “war President” was their best bet.
And the new season of Six Feet Under is off to a roaring start, re-asserting its standing in my mind as the best programming every presented on television.
Now if only the Cubs get healthy and move into first place.
What to do for my 60th birthday on July 25/26 remains a puzzle. I’m tempted to use it as an organizing tool and force people to indulge me on the occasion and let me give a long speech on my reflections of 60 years of trying to change the world. And from what my mother told me, I started at an early age, constantly trying to get out of my crib.
But I’m reluctant to take on another event at this time. Maybe I’ll just spend it alone with Mother Nature.
--Wade Hudson
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July 7, 2004
One reason that I haven’t written in this journal for a while is that I’ve been trying to sort out some stuff first. I don’t know how much I’ve sorted it out, but I’ll do another journal entry anyway. Maybe writing will help clarify matters. Maybe sharing this stuff will help as well.
Recently, after I had expressed some disappointment about one thing or another, someone who knows me well recommended that I should take a break from my political work for a number of months to see what it would be like, and told me that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone, suggesting that the desire to impress is too much of a motivation for me. These comments have led me to think a lot about these questions once again.
One conclusion that I have reached is that although the ego-centered desire to be praised was somewhat too strong for me in the past and led me to be a workaholic, I believe that by facing that dynamic, I have largely been able to let it go so that it is now no longer a serious problem.
I have concluded that my motivation is actually quite simple. Many people have used the metaphor: What would you do if a monster were throwing babies into the river – save some of the babies or stop the monster? Well, that metaphor is not completely metaphorical. A monster is throwing babies into the river. 40,000 each and every day. I find it impossible not to try to do as much as I can to stop it. And I have trouble understanding why others are not so motivated as well.
Last night, I saw Spiderman 2 and was greatly impressed with the moral issues that the film addresses and its affirmation of the fact that everyone is and/or can be a hero who is willing to engage in right action for the sake of all humanity. I walked out of the movie feeling like Spiderman. Who knows? Maybe this movie will help shape the character of today’s youth, as High Noon did with me.
I may well take a really long vacation later this year, when I’ll be able to do so for the first time in my life. But if I do, it will be so that I can return to the struggle with new insights from having gotten some distance from my normal routines.
I seem to be making some progress learning how to deal with my disappointments. The lukewarm response to my book and the modest turnout at the June 13 workshop, for example, were disappointing. But then I catch myself falling into self-pity and tell myself, “There you go, feeling sorry for yourself. You are not the point. The Cause is the point. Life is good and God is great.” When I do, I usually feel better immediately.
The mixed results to my recent endeavors leave my options wide open for the future, which may be a silver lining. I keep reminding myself to remain flexible and avoid spending too much time making plans and commitments for the future.
Hell, if nothing else, I’m enjoying the dialogues with folks via email.
Lord knows, I’m constantly learning new stuff. Our times are certainly interesting, and I trust that God and/or History will get us through it all in better shape. After all, “We all want to be better than our fathers.”
So one day at a time I do what I can day by day in the 2-3 hours a day that I have to be productive without getting stressed out or burned out, sticking with my discipline, trying to exercise and stretch regularly.
And thank God that Kerry not only selected Edwards, but also fervently embraced his call for “One America.” That theme was a stroke of genius that instantly transcended the anti-Rich rhetoric of traditional economic populism, while deftly raising the same issues. Pardon me for being a naïve optimist, but I think Edwards actually could offer some real hope to the Democratic Party. I think his heart may well be in the right place and that he could provide some real moral leadership in the future. But if so, a massive grassroots movement will have to nudge him along and support him along the way.
July 20, 2004
During a conversation with one of my taxi passengers, who appeared to be a rational and reasonable person throughout the conversation (with serious criticisms of George W.), she surprised me by saying that she still was not sure how she would vote in November. I asked why, and she said something about being uneasy about changing horses mid-stream.
After thinking about that some, it strikes me that she is not alone in thinking that America is under attack and at war -- We need to continue to hit them before they hit us again, perhaps in ways that are even more devastating. -- To be effective, we need to be united and support our President. -- A regime change in the White House would be disruptive. It would break the continuity. It would take the new Administration time to get organized. The period of transition could leave us more vulnerable. Look, for example, at all of the dots that weren’t connected during the early days of the Bush Administration.
I suspect that those are some of the conscious and unconscious reservations that many people have about dumping Bush. That thought process strikes me as not entirely irrational. I think it’s important to try to understand, and even respect, how and why people think differently than we do.
One reason that I’m trying to understand it better is that I may work on the Kerry campaign by hanging out with bartenders in red areas and trying to influence those opinion-shapers. I also may try to learn how to get on the air on right wing talk radio and talk about how Bush is not a real conservative. Those are some ways that I may contribute once I hit the road around the end of August.
I got stuck in a bit of a funky mood recently when I felt myself getting sucked into a major commitment with the Reaching Beyond the Choir Project that would keep me in San Francisco most of the time between now and mid-November. But once I decided a week or two ago to stick with my plan to travel the last four months of this year and let the chips fall where they may with that project, I immediately felt much better and have ever since. If the project is good enough of an idea, others will pick up the ball and make it happen.
At least for a while, I want to stop trying to get others to do stuff, whether it be to come to an event or sign a petition or whatever. Instead, if I stick with this resolve and I do anything, I may mostly merely write, including corresponding with my little electronic community. Maybe I’ll find another electronic community to join. Writing stuff and putting it out there on the Internet is a relatively low-stress proposition. Getting people to come to events is another matter. But it’s not merely a matter of reducing stress. I think I need to break my habit of seeing something new that needs to be done and trying to make it happen myself by initiating a new project with the major responsibility on my shoulders. After taking a break from all that, I may just look for some project that others have started with which I can help. Or I could just write. And travel. And go to movies. And read more.
But if CommonDreams keeps publishing my essays, I could focus on doing more essays for them and maybe other sites. I’ve already started two new essays, Why They Invaded Iraq and Why Bush Is Not a Conservative. And then I hope to write a Statement of Purpose for the Reaching Beyond the Choir Project. And maybe finally write my autobiography, for which I have two working titles, “An Apology to America” or “An Apology to American from a Berkeley Radical.”
My ends are much the same but my methods are changing. Perhaps because public opinion has changed, I now want to focus on SUPPORTING the majority of Americans to get the progressive changes that they want now, rather than PERSUADING them to support changes that they aren’t prepared to support at this time. I’ll leave it to the vanguard to lead the masses to the Promised Land. I just want to help get some momentum going.
Given that approach, I’m learning more and more about how my elitism, rankism, arrogance, and assumptions of superiority have been counter-productive.
A friend of mine recently purchased a book with advice about how to raise teenagers. The author recommends that when their children become adolescents, parents need to shift from being a MANAGER to being a CONSULTANT. That distinction struck me as being very insightful. And it impresses me that even in my own personal life, with friends and colleagues and such, I have tended toward being paternalistic rather than supportive. The same applies to the American people as a whole. I want to shift toward being more supportive and less managerial. It reminds me of John Carver who argued in Boards That Make a Difference that a board chair can exercise leadership by facilitating a decision-making process that enables the board to find its own mind about what it wants to do, rather that persuading the board to support what the chair wants to do.
We shall see. Perhaps by really taking a break and car camping throughout the West and visiting with friends in Seattle and maybe taking ferries and trains in Canada, I can really break some of those old habits. Hell, I might even go incommunicado even with my electronic family for a few months. Then again, I could share journal entries about my experiences with rural bars in red areas and right wing talk radio, and develop my photojournalism skills as well. That might be fun.
We shall see. My main resolution is to keep my options open. To avoid making plans as much as possible.
August 7, 2004
Turning sixty may have been a watershed. Yet once again, I felt like a new man. This time may be different, however. I may have finally truly resolved to stop trying to make EVENTS happen. I am no longer an ORGANIZER. I am only a WRITER, an ACTIVIST, and, perhaps, from time to time, an EDUCATOR. But I am no longer an organizer – at least not after August 21 and the first meeting of the Coordinating Committee for the Reaching Beyond the Choir Project.
That new attitude carries over to my personal life as well. I’m going to stop inviting people to events unless they also invite me to events. And if they aren’t interested in the kind of mutual, heart-felt dialogue that I’m interested in, I’ll stop trying to make it happen. I’ll just respond in kind, or just be by myself. No more one-way streets.
Especially now that Common Dreams is publishing my stuff with some consistency, I remain ambivalent about how much of a break to take from being productive. I’ll play it by ear, while trying to take care of myself along the way without getting burned out. Spending several weeks on a beach in Mexico this winter is very appealing.
My agent, Mike Larsen, recently gave me some good ideas for how to approach a memoir, which I may start as soon as I can stop driving taxi for the rest of the year, which is soon. Working title: Growing Up Slowly. The goal would be to tell a series of entertaining short stories, while weaving in my beliefs and worldviews. I certainly think I have some funny stories to tell – and some drugs, sex, and rock and roll to throw in as well – and some drama. Could be fun.
The City just changed my taxi-driving requirement. From now on, I only have to check in for driving 800 hours a year, which I could fulfill in 80 days. So if I choose to, I’ll only have to be in San Francisco 80 days a year. If I actually worked those 800 hours, my income, including my share as co-owner of the business, would be enough to get by and travel quite a bit – if I lived simply. On the other hand, I might want to save more money for my really old age. Another option would be to stay mostly in San Francisco, write a few hours a day, drive taxi a few hours a day, enjoy the cultural life of San Francisco more than I ever have before (partly because I didn’t have the money), and travel less, maybe only 2-3 months a year.
We shall see. Mostly, I’m trying to avoid making plans far in advance. I want to remain as spontaneous as possible. But now I’m feeling pressure to produce a piece for CommonDreams once a week if possible. We shall see. I first really want to empty my Inbox first and catch up on my responses to email. My goal is to reply to everyone within a week. Not enough time for everything, especially if I stick with my routine of chilling out late at night by watching an hour or two of TV.
It struck me recently why I like Six Feet Under so much. Some of the key characters really struggle with trying to be free spirits, authentic, real, creative, original. The other day one said, “I can’t become this totally different person living this simple, happy little life.” And another said, “If all you can say about a guy is that he’s someone to do things with, then that’s worse than being alone.”
I still have problems with the “happy” smiley face. I’d rather be joyous than happy. But then again, I don’t want to fall back into being judgmental. The simple life certainly has its appeal. It may not be for me, however.
I celebrated my birthday alone with two days of room and board at Esalen. The first time I’d been there since my friend, Dick Price, one of the two co-founders died. A very restful time. And I noticed that compared to previous visits, I was much less judgmental toward all the trippy middle-class folks who were there for their workshops and word-study programs. Maybe I have changed after all.
I’m still haunted by my memory of having turned on the radio during the Democratic Convention and having heard Wesley Clark praising war. At first, I thought it was Bush.
When I talked about the Convention with my passengers and shared my uneasiness about the militarism, all of them said, Yes, but it was necessary to take the issue away from Bush. They may be right. Robert Johnson made a pact with the devil so that he could play the guitar. We may be making a pact with the devil so that we can elect John Kerry. Then we will see what he does with his guitar if he gets it.
I’ve decided to make my memoir more positive. So I probably won’t use the following draft of a Preface:
An Apology to America from a Berkeley Radical
Preface
Dear America:
It’s taken me 60 years, but I’ve finally grown up enough so that I can rise above my anger and say, I love you, America. You are a wonderful country. You broke new ground more than 200 years ago by rebelling against imperialism, affirming your independence as a sovereign nation, declaring that all people are equal in the eyes of God and that this nation should care about the welfare of ALL of its people, and establishing the sacred human right to personal freedom. Since then, you’ve been an inspiration to the world and have demonstrated a remarkable ability to correct shortcomings and make steady progress toward becoming a more perfect union.
Until now, America, I’ve been unable to tell you how much I love you because I’ve been so angry. I’ve been angry about how I’ve been mistreated and I’ve been angry about how you’ve mistreated others. I still have problems with many governmental policies and social conditions. I know that you aren’t perfect. I’ll still try to help make you a better country. But I’ll do it with more love and respect, and less anger and disrespect.
Some people say, the glass is half full. Others insist, it is half empty. I say, it is both.
I really haven’t been fair in the past. I’ve gotten stuck on my anger. I’ve wasted too much time feeling sorry for myself and blaming others, rather than enjoying life and helping to leave this world a better place. I’ve failed to really understand you, America, and I’ve failed to express my appreciation for all that you’ve accomplished.
Driving taxi in San Francisco these past sixteen years has helped. It’s taken me out of my bubble and exposed me to all sorts of people from all over the world. From behind the wheel of my taxi, my tendency to judge people on first impressions has been repeatedly challenged, as people reveal the common humanity that we all share. I’ve come to better understand how easy it is to fall into assumptions of superiority.
I know see how I’ve disrespected you, America, and considered myself and my friends to be morally superior – which means that I was profoundly wrong. I apologize for my arrogance, and I want to assure you that I’m learning from my mistakes and I’m beginning to understand you more fully. I will continue to try to better understand you, and will try to avoid feeling superior.
And I hope, America, that you will try to understand me. I write this autobiography so that you can see more clearly why I‘ve done what I’ve done and said what I’ve said. Then, perhaps, you will forgive me.
I also share my story in some detail so that other progressive-minded people such as myself may see in me certain tendencies that they also need to learn how to overcome.
By understanding each other more fully, perhaps we can reconcile our differences, build a stronger community as a nation, and move forward with more grace and more effectiveness.
On the occasion of my 60th birthday, July 26, 2004,
Wade Hudson
August 30, 2004
The more I write, the more I enjoy it. So, being the self-indulgent profligate that I am, I’m leaning toward returning to voluntary poverty and driving taxi much less (if at all) so that I can write more.
My agent, Mike Larsen, has a hot new idea for a book that we may do together. He’s committed to helping me find a publisher for Promoting the General Welfare after I rework it to make it more broadly accessible. He’s offered me some great ideas about how to approach my memoir. And I have lots of ideas for essays or op-ed pieces that Common Dreams and/or others might publish.
And it turns out that I have places outside San Francisco that I can stay for little or no money, so I don’t have to drive taxi to make money so that I can travel and get out of the concrete jungle from time to time, which is essential.
I’m off to Seattle tomorrow where I will stay in the Emma Goldman Finishing School commune for three weeks and present a book reading and discussion session focused on Promoting the General Welfare. This event will be the most extensive, focused discussion thus far on the ideas I present in that book. I very much look forward to it and expect that it will help me with the rewriting.
Thereafter, I’ll be spending 2-3 months right on the beach on the Pacific Coast of Mexico, in a condo with a view of the ocean. If I can’t write there, then I might as well forget about writing. Who knows, I may spend all my time in the nearby high-speed Internet café!
I figure that I can experiment with this low-budget approach for two years or so, and see if I can supplement my owners’ income with some money from writing. If not, I can always go back to cab driving to put some spending money in my pocket, and maybe go around the world on one of those one-way tickets.
I’m a little nervous about giving up my base here for four months (though I’ll pass back through on my way to Mexico). Or maybe I’m just excited. Regardless, it will be an adventure.
When I checked earlier today, Sadr was negotiating a move away from violence. Who knows, maybe Sistani will demand successfully that elections be conducted in January, resulting in a new government that gives the U.S. a deadline for leaving – in which case Sistani could lead a massive nonviolent movement that would force the U.S. to leave if they resist. At this rate, I say almost any scenario is possible.
I’m torn about going to the Mexican coast prior to the election. I feel an obligation to do more to help defeat Bush. But I’ve already done quite a bit, and the opportunity to kick back on the beach and really write, for the first time in my life, is extremely compelling.
And if the Reaching Beyond the Choir Project produces a strong new statement of purpose for the progressive movement, the options multiply.
We shall see.
Sept. 9, 2004
Sitting in a comfortable recliner with my computer in my lap on top of a board and pillow wired to a high-speed Net connection with a view of Puget Sound out the window through lush green trees just after going for a walk and a nostalgic run around a Little League baseball field and doing my stretches and taking a shower in a wonderful egalitarian political commune on the top of historic Beacon Hill in Seattle where my good friend and former surrogate son Brandon and his spirited fiancé Kristen live, reminding me of my youth, I’ve come down from my four-day immersion in the marvelous Bumbershoot Arts Festival and getting into the groove of trying to be a writer.
Going to a music festival is like going to Mecca, a way to induce a prolonged altered state of consciousness that is spiritual at its core. This Festival is among the best. Very eclectic, very mellow, fairly strong social and political content, creative programming, some cutting edge. Nick Lowe sang, What’s so funny about peace, love, and understanding? Robyn Hitchcock sang, You can cut them down like weeds, but you’ll never make them love you. And Public Enemy declared, Kerry needs to get some life. We need to feel him.
On the other hand, one performer irritated me with a rant telling the audience to subscribe to National Geographic because they are doing some excellent reporting on environmental issues. He went on for about five minutes. After a while, I thought he was doing a parody of an ideologue. Then he kept on and I decided he was serious. I resented being assaulted with someone telling me what to do (I could have left but I wanted to hear more from his fellow performer who was on stage). I remembered how Bruce Springsteen responded when Ted Koppel asked him, “Who are you to tell anyone how to vote?” Bruce responded, “I don’t TELL anyone what to do. I say let’s talk.” I discussed that exchange with a friend who at first did not seem to think that Bruce’s distinction was significant or honest, but I consider it an extremely important distinction. Arrogance may be our greatest barrier to building the solidarity that we need.
Overall, however, the Festival was a great escape from the concrete jungle. Next year, I’d like to go to the High Sierra Festival, and some day, get back to the New Orleans Jazz Fest.
Tuesday night I visited with Steven and April and their child, Ian, for a few hours and had a great time. Ian’s more than a year old now and an utter delight to behold. He warmed up to me quickly and we had loads of fun. The curiosity of young children is wonderful. If adults did not tire of hearing them ask, WHY?, more of them would retain their curiosity.
I like the life of a writer. I remain intrigued with the idea of returning to a simpler life style, driving taxi as little as possible and perhaps not at all, and concentrating on writing as much and as well as I can. I keep thinking about Styron’s schedule: two hours a day each for reading, writing, and correspondence. Well, these days, it’s email rather than letters. And I lean toward three hours for each. But some pattern like that is very appealing. How widely my work will be read, or how valuable it will be, remains to be seen. Maybe I’ll leave it in a time capsule for some future anthropologist or some invader from outer space.
Not having TV here makes for a distinct difference. TV may alter consciousness negatively through some physiological process in a way that persists. Or it may be just that I am more detached from the world. But whatever it is, not staring at that box has its advantages and I don’t mind it all that much. Bottom line, though, if I could, I probably would make one materialize.
--Wade Hudson
http://towardpeace.org
Sept. 26, 2004
Back in San Francisco, getting my feet back on the ground just in time to head off to Nevada to work on the Kerry campaign for 7-10 days before going to Mexico to see if I can get some good writing done in solitude on the beach. I don’t know if I’m excited or nervous, or both. I’ve never spent three months alone in a foreign country before. And if I can’t improve on my writing with some concentrated effort, then I might as well forget about getting much attention (and I do want attention).
Once again, while driving taxi last night, I was in a funky mood until I started talking with my passengers. It’s amazing how quickly we can sometimes establish a heart-to-heart connection during the course of a short cab ride. These days, what helps me the most is to talk about the election. It usually serves to relieve some of my apprehension.
Rationally, however, even if Bush wins, the neoconservative game plan is seriously wounded, and perhaps fatally so. As Robert Novak reported last week, Bush may well declare victory and exit Iraq, as Nixon did in Vietnam, knowing that neither Congress nor the American people would let him get away with any similar adventure any time soon. The Supreme Court, however, is another matter.
Either way, a Bush victory will be a grim moment. Could be enough reason for long-term exile in Mexico. I may be looking at 80 days a year in SF and the rest of the year outside the United States. Unless some organization emerges that I can put my heart and soul into.
The grass is certainly no greener in Seattle. Except for two good lunches and some fun time with Steven’s child and his family, I had few good connections with people up there. It was the same story as in San Francisco. It just seems that most people don’t have the time, the desire, and/or the ability to communicate openly, honestly, with curiosity, heart-to-heart, without being judgmental. Maybe it’s due to wise avoidance of conflict or differences of opinion. Who needs more trouble in one’s life when one must focus on coping? When my ribs were broken, I certainly was rather self-absorbed.
Anyway, I try to make myself available and be responsive when I encounter others who want dialog that is both real and mutual. It happens often enough to reassure me that I’m capable. And when it doesn’t happen, I try not to be judgmental and accept that others usually keep their distance for good reason, whatever that reason may be, and simply proceed to do my thing, alone – which is what I ended up mostly doing in Seattle, plugging away on my laptop.
So I’m leaning more and more toward taking a break from trying to make things happen by initiating one project after another. Mike wants to do this progressive resource catalog with me. And he’s willing to help me find a small or mid-size publisher for Promoting the General Welfare. So, especially if he gets a contract for the catalog, I’ll have my hands full for a while. And then I might do a memoir.
Then hopefully some day some other people will launch the kind of national organization that I’m looking for and I can jump on board. In the meantime, I’ll just try to plant seeds with my writing. And talk with people if and when I meet people who are interested in talking. What that means concerning marketing myself as a writer is another matter. I’d prefer to just hire someone to do that for me, and respond to stuff as it comes up, rather than initiating contacts myself. Maybe I’m getting to be too sensitive or too soft. But I still don’t handle rejection as well as I would like, even if I’m getting better. I prefer the balance I find in my normal routine. We shall see.
--Wade Hudson, Toward Peace, http://towardpeace.org
To stay in touch, subscribe to a Toward Peace e-list at:
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Oct. 1, 2004
Comments on the Debate
I don’t know if each network had its own cameras or if they shared pool cameras. I switched from station to station several times and it seemed to me that they shared cameras but probably made their own decisions about which ones to use when.
Regardless, my impression is that they used a camera placed behind Kerry that exaggerated his height advantage much more than they used a similar camera placed behind Bush. In fact, I don’t know if I ever saw that angle. So the image of Kerry towering over Bush predominated. This advantage reminded me of how shocked I was when I saw Howard Dean in person: he is remarkably short. Since the advent of television, the taller candidate has won every time.
The default image had their heads at about the same position on the screen, with the podiums staggered. But even this image, which was probably negotiated, placed Kerry slightly higher, and this image made Bush appear hunched behind the podium with Kerry rising well above his.
These images reinforced the overall impact of the debate: Kerry appeared much more Presidential.
In addition, the networks fortunately refused to abide by the 36-page agreement which stipulated that there would be no shots of the candidates when they weren’t speaking. It seemed as if Bush assumed the camera was not on him when he was making all of his weird grimaces when Kerry was talking.
I suspect that these directorial decisions reflect a media bias in favor of Kerry – overriding the owners and CEOs who prefer Bush.
Of the post-debate commentary I read and heard last night, only the New York Times analysis commented on how tired Bush seemed toward the end. I thought Bush’s weakest moment was his closing statement, which was without passion. He sounded like a man who had been beaten and knew it.
Kerry even won the likeability contest. Though his smile was sometimes a bit too over-confident, condescending, and sarcastic, it usually seemed genuine and engaging. And during their unscripted moment when they talked about their families, Kerry responded deftly to Bush’s surprisingly friendly comments. And when Bush said that he had tried to “put a leash” on his daughters, Kerry quickly but respectfully disagreed with a more mature parental attitude, “Mr. President, I’ve learned it’s better not to try to do that.”
So on the issue of who would be the better parent for the nation, Kerry won.
The instant polls showed no change in preferences. But the more the media reports on the fact that Kerry won and the more people think about the debate, I suspect Kerry will get a bump. And the first debate topic was on Bush’s strong suit.
In terms of substance, I was struck with Kerry’s comment about how the bases we’re building in Iraq are being built in such a way that they appear to be permanent and his promise to the Iraqi people that he would have no design on Iraq. I had not heard him say that before, and was encouraged to hear it.
All in all, a great relief.
Oct. 7, 2004
The bad news is that my laptop was in the shop for three days. It seems that the sand from Iraq and the dust from my Eagle’s Nest clogged up the ventilation system, which caused the computer to keep shutting down. The good news is that I got it cleaned out here in Vegas before going to Mexico. And the technician told me how to use a can of compressed air to keep it clean. Not having a computer for three days was frustrating, but now it seems like synchronicity. Perfect timing.
The good news is that the AFL-CIO is out in full force here in Vegas, and reportedly elsewhere as well. They overcame a deficit of several thousand in party registrations and built an advantage of several thousand. Apparently, a Wall Street Journal poll reported today that Kerry is now ahead in Nevada. 11,000 people already signed up to do GOTV in Ohio, as well as PA. And this year, compared to last year, they are much more computerized. They scan in the data from my precinct-walking daily and send it to Washington, where they send out mailings daily based on the data the precinct walkers send in. Much more sophisticated than four years ago.
The bad news is that my precinct-walking proves what I’ve been saying for years now. We are light years away from the kind of grassroots organization that we need. I’m going out to a different precinct every day, with a partner. We hit maybe an average of five households on each block. Union members only. We go out during the day. Hardly anyone is home. We mostly leave literature at the front door. Sure, it helps. It’s better than nothing. But what we need is a captain in each precinct. Like we used to do with the District Eleven Residents Association. Like the Democratic Party used to do before it stopped being a political party and became an intermittent fundraising mechanism. We need precinct captains that work the precinct all year long. Get to know their neighbors. Invite them to bar-b-ques and parties and cultural events. Distribute educational literature every so often. Register new people when they move in to the neighborhood. Mobilize people to lobby on issues in between elections. All based on a comprehensive progressive platform. A labor-community alliance.
The need for that kind of organization seems so obvious to me that I can ’t understand why so many people don’t seem to “get it.” Many do, but many don’t. Often people respond by questioning the need for “yet another organization,” when what I’m talking about is a dramatically different, new kind of organization. A Grand Coalition. A United Front.
So I’m going to go down to Mexico and rewrite my book and make it focus like a laser beam on the need to build this grand coalition and what kind of organization it needs to be and how we might go about it and the principles on which it should be based. I’m going to give it everything that I have. I’m prepared to become an evangelist and go around the country and talk with as many people as I can, with my book in hand, published by a reputable publisher, with publicity blurbs from some prominent people on the back cover. I have a new title: The American Promise: How We Can … (?)…
I’ll talk about all of our major institutions in some detail and how we need to reform them and how when we do, we will have changed the “system” and “transformed” the nation. I’ll put some passion into it and I will ask people to sign a Pledge Form announcing their willingness to join and actively support such an organization if and when it forms. I do not intend to organize it myself. Leave that to the big dogs. I just hope to recruit foot soldiers who will plug in once an operation that is good enough and big enough inspires them to do so.
Reading Bob’s memoir inspires me. In addition to learning about how he engaged in sustained self-study to sharpen his understanding of the universe so that he could talk about universal truths as opposed to politically correct dogmas, once again, I see how he took a path before I did that I now need to take. In this case, he reveals how he practiced enormous self-discipline over his mind to focus on his goals so that slings and arrows hurled by others would not slow him down (at least not until he had reached his first major plateau, when he was crippled by his fame). And how he had to go through all sorts of internal changes to get there. Very inspiring.
Of course he had much more emotional maturity and self-confidence and talent at a much earlier age. It’s taken me 60 years to overcome the limitations imposed on me by my dysfunctional family. I had no grandmother like Bob did. But now I’m ready to give it my all and give it my best. It feels like a ten-year project before I will know how much fruit it bears. But what the heck. I have nothing to lose. What else could I do? I’ve already done it all, except father a child.
But one thing I will remember about what Bob said. He said he realized at one point that he should not write in the “vernacular.” People have complained about me using clichés and platitudes. I thought I was using Plain English and common sense so that I could better reach ordinary people. But it doesn’t work that way. I need to avoid the vernacular as much as possible and come up with new, fresh ways of saying what I have to say.
All I know is that I have something to say. Bob spoke of one or two instances of support that proved to be all the encouragement that he needed. Well, I can think of similar instances. Overall, so far, the response has been lukewarm or no response at all. Not all that much direct criticism. Certainly none that holds much water as far as I’m concerned. But just enough so that I know that I’m now ready.
I know that I don’t have all the answers. I know that the HOW has many questions to be answered. I know that many unresolved issues would need to be resolved along the way and that many course corrections would be required.
But I am fully confident that the direction that I recommend is correct. I am more than willing to stand up on any stage and debate the point with anyone. And I suspect that with an audience randomly selected from among the American people, I would win a debate with anyone who opposed me on the fundamental points.
Let the dialogue begin! No more passivity. I’m going to be talking with anyone who will listen, just like Bob would sing to anyone who would listen. It’s time to put it all on the line.
I’ve been here only 30 hours or so and already I’m in a groove. I worked on the book for about three hours today and feel good about my progress. I’m starting over from scratch. I might not even look at the previous draft until I finish the first draft of this version.
I know that my efforts may have limited payoff. But I aim to do my best to make the book accessible to the general public, the mainstream, Middle America.
And a Web-based petition closely linked to the book could make for an interesting combination, along with Steven’s new, more interactive Toward Peace website (a blog). We shall see (my favorite phrase these days, it seems).
The surf pounds the shore 100 yards away. The power of her force has yet to be captured by mankind. She is relentless, persistent, never ending. She reminds me of my humble place in the universe. She steadily, gradually erodes the coast. Will the earth some day be nothing but water, with humans living on boats or having migrated into outer space?
My trip down was uneventful, three days of driving an average of eight hours a day. Most of the distance from the border to Mazatlan was one enormous agricultural zone. They say California is the breadbasket of the world. Well, this zone is even larger, though surely less “productive.” It was like driving from the Oregon border to San Diego across one enormous agricultural plain. Old Mazatlan was cozy. I could see spending a good bit of time there. But I was in a hurry to get here and start writing. I did, however, enjoy sitting on a bench at the beach and watching the sun go down. I reflected on how lucky I was to get there in time for sunset. He travels fastest who travels alone. Not that I'm unwilling to sacrifice speed for companionship. Regardless, chanting, singing, breathing, and meditating while the sun went down was wonderful.
I was simmering, simmering, but Bob (Dylan) brought me to a boil – as Whitman said about Emerson. I looked at the New York Times bestseller list today to see how Buchanan’s book is doing (it wasn’t on it) and was glad to see Chronicles at #3 (and The Daily Show at #1). I found the book fascinating and it still haunts me.
One thing that struck me was his drive to do something that had never been done before. I’ve long had the same feeling. I recall the joy of being the first in a season to cross a pass in the Sierras. Lewis and Clark must have been blown away. I’ve often felt ambivalent about my desire to do stuff that no one else has done. After reading Chronicles, I feel less ambivalent. The drive to be creative, to plant a new garden, is strong. Ain’t nothin’ to be ashamed about. Might as well give it my all. That’s another lesson from the book. No need to hold back. Go for it.
My place here is marvelous. I bought a bunch of food on the way down. Plan to eat simple and not eat out much. See how cheaply I can live here. On the third floor with an ocean view. No one else in the condo complex yet. Splendid solitude. But the furniture is traditional Mexican wooden furniture. I miss my recliner. I’m sitting on a pillow now, and still it’s hard. Jose, the caretaker, said he will tell me about places in Puerto Vallarta where I can go buy furniture, including a reclining patio chair for the balcony. I managed on the hammock last night without falling out and breaking a limb, but I think an American chair would be good. Especially since his ill mother-in-law needs one too. This afternoon she was lying on the concrete on a thin blanket. I loaned her my air mattress, for which her daughter said “gracias.”
I need to learn the Spanish word for raisins, so I can get some to go with my oatmeal.
And thank God I solved my problems at the Internet Café in La Penita (Spanish for Little Rock, where I was born) one mile down the road and will be able to use my Outlook Address Book. I plan to go there one hour a day to read the news and send and receive email, after composing my emails the night before here at “home.”
Before leaving and upon arriving, I still felt ambivalent about leaving the States in the middle of the election. But I did my week walking precincts in Nevada, and now that I’m getting settled, I feel definitely like I’m doing what I need to do. Without the distraction of being online every waking minute and the television and the telephone, and with my splendid solitude, I should be able to get a lot more writing done. And then there’s the inspiration of all those negative ions from the surf. And the soothing sound of the ocean. Soon I probably will hardly notice the surf, but it will calm my spirit even still. And nighttime walks as well when the beach is less crowded. It’s very warm during the day, in the nineties. But with the ocean breeze and the ceiling fans, it’s no problem. And maybe with the heat, I’ll eat less and lose some weight. Now, if only I can find a comfortable chair! I just found a thicker pillow to sit on for now. Maybe this new pillow will do the trick. There is something to be said for not being TOO comfortable. “We shall see,” to quote myself.
Oct. 21, 2004
I normally don’t remember my dreams but this one came back vividly quite a while after I had awakened from a siesta.
In the dream, scores of old friends from over the four decades of my adulthood were gathered, with no clear focus. I suggested that we form a circle and report on how we have changed over the years. The circle ended up in a long oblong shape. Some other people made comments. I decided to speak. Cars were driving through the middle of the circle. I noticed that one dear old friend, now very successful, whom I won’t identify here, had left. I began speaking but noticed that not many people were listening. I moved toward the middle of the circle so that others could better hear me. I said that I had primarily changed in two ways. First of all, I have become less judgmental. I’m still willing to criticize people, but I think I now do it without condemning them so totally. Secondly, I now believe that we need to focus on winnable positive demands more intently, because merely educating people (and each other) is not sufficient. I spoke fairly well, but I did not feel that I communicated as well as I had wanted, partly because so many people were so distracted or were not listening closely for whatever reason. They had not listened to the other speakers either. So I told everyone that I would put a transcript of what everyone had said on the Web!
Sounds rather familiar. As I reflected on the dream, I felt that it related to the anxiety I was feeling about whether I had sent out the Toward Peace Monthly with improper formatting. Chatting with Steven via IM at the Internet Café, Steven had told me that the spacing on the sample I sent him was wrong, that there was too much space between paragraphs. Knowing that he uses an unorthodox email program, and that I had used the same technique that I had used previously with no complaint, and being eager to get it out to the 1500 people in my Address Book, which would take some time, especially with the uncertainties at the Café, I went ahead and sent them out. For one thing, I wanted to boost the chances that folks would interact with the new website because they would see that others were doing so when they visited it. For another, the whole process of learning how to use the new website, dealing with complications at the Café with occasional brown outs and figuring out how to use Outlook there, and preparing the newsletter, had all taken more time than I had expected. And I wanted to start spending more time on writing my new book. So, anyway, the dream prompted me to make a phone call and I found out that the formatting for one person’s email was fine. I felt greatly relieved and bought first one and then another ice cream bar to celebrate.
Since then, I’ve been even more relaxed, especially since I bought a comfortable rocking chair at the nearby Wal-Mart (yes!) and have learned how to negotiate the hammock, which I now love. ‘Tis a great place to vegetate. I even went into the ocean this afternoon and swam a bit. I don’t swim much and almost drowned once years ago, so it’s not my favorite activity, but I mostly enjoyed it. And last night and tonight I seemed to make good progress on the book.
I still struggle with expectations and disappointments. I still would prefer to have no expectations. But hopes get generated from time to time. Like today when I got an email from another honcho in the Kucinich campaign, who used to be chief aide to Alan Cranston after he left the Senate. He said that he absolutely loves the Reaching Beyond the Choir Project and will submit a statement. And two days ago I got a great email from someone with the Center for a New American Dream and the National Voice coalition who’s feels great about my “After the Election: What Next?” article. So these connections keep developing, bit by bit, which is encouraging. But then I fear that the new website will be a bust and that hardly anyone will post comments there, which will make it obvious for the whole world to see that I am just this isolated Don Quixote out here tilting at windmills.
But I’ll keep at it. At least until I finish this book and then try to get a contract for the Progressive Resource Catalog. Mike says that the best method for getting a contract for the catalog would be to do a tour on this book first. The latest working title is: The American Commitment – A Comprehensive Guide to Personal, Social, and Political Transformation. Enough meat for three months’ writing, I should say. I expect little. I expect that the book will meet the same response that most of my work has received for so long now: lukewarm support. But one never knows. So I will write as if the fate of the world depends on it, as if it will fill a void and take off like a wild fire.
In the meantime, I sense great tension around the election, which will take place on the Day of the Dead. Rather fitting, it seems. I still hope that Kerry wins. When I saw that Bush’s advantage on the Post’s daily tracking poll dropped from 5 to 3 percent today, I was relieved, recalling Sabato saying that Bush needs at least a 5 point advantage in the polls to compensate for the likely increased turnout and pro-Kerry shift among undecideds. But Kerry still leaves me cold. I saw an USA Today story today that said that he and Bush are using dueling “fear campaigns.” Whatever happened to “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” And Andy Stern’s comments about how a Kerry defeat could open the Party to constructive reform are not totally off-base, especially now that the Clinton people are in such powerful positions. I saw little of the influence of Lakoff in Kerry’s performance in the debates. Damn it, it’s true, he’s a flip-flopper, a vacillator, the King of Nuance, all geared to microscopic political calculations about the impact on his own ambition. The American people don’t like that in a President. Reagan convinced them that he was a man of his convictions and they went with it. It’s hard for Kerry to convince them that he’s not when it is so obvious that his own ambition is his primary driving force. My taxi passengers said that the militaristic posturing at the Convention was necessary to reach Middle America. Well, there’s one problem with that: if it was such obvious posturing to us, it was obvious to Middle America as well. If only he had equally emphasized his protest against the Vietnam War. We survived eight years of Reagan. We can survive four more of Bush. Especially now that so many Republicans in the Senate are out of synch with him, and the Bush Doctrine has been dealt a body blow. Maybe being here has given me a distance that is unreal. Still, I hope Kerry wins.
As for writing this book, however, it’s definitely good that I got away. Now that I’ve cleared those hurdles and gotten settled in, I could soon get real productive. I've only been here a week and it feels like an eon. I just hope that it proves worth it. If Kerry loses Nevada by 500 votes and the electoral vote by eight or less, I’ll feel horrible.
For now, I feel wonderful. Loving my siestas and my dreams. I had one yesterday that went on forever, a real feature length thriller, probably the longest dream ever that I remembered on awaking. I don’t recall the details, but I wrote a note, “I was a hero.”
I awoke remembering this dream. Somehow, like an advocate, I end up escorting an elderly woman through the hospital, to help her get what she needs. The hospital is filled with elderly, disturbed people. It’s like most of them have severe Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s or some other affliction. Most of them are wandering around, neglected. The elevator stops at one floor and the door opens. A very agitated woman, my “client’s” mother, standing there wants to talk with my client, who also wants to talk with her. But I insist that we continue to our destination, concerned that a complicated interaction would ensue. After I complete my task (taking the woman to her room?), I go back to see how my client’s mother is doing. A nurse tells me that she’s ok now. It’s just that she and her daughter have a troubled relationship. I tell the nurse how shocked I was by the condition of the patients. She says, “Yes, it’s pretty sad. And you know what their latest fad is. Vibrators. They call them foot massagers.”
I’m reading this great book, “Another Life,” by Michael Korda. Mike gave it to me when I was talking about writing a memoir, as an example of a great memoir. I can see why he did so. Anyway, in describing a prominent publisher who came down with Parkinson’s, Korda wrote that he had some understanding of what was involved. “And one thing I knew,” he said, “is that it doesn’t get better.” As direct as that is, that statement itself is an euphemism. The fact is, people with Parkinson’s steadily get worse, to the point that eventually their entire body is frozen solid and they die from not being able to swallow – unless some other disease gets them first. That’s what happened to my father, who developed a fascination with vibrators late in life -- a big, enormous, Texas-style vibrator that his chiropractor used. The last time I saw him, he was totally frozen. Still lucid, though, and able to make a deathbed confession for not having been a better father.
When people ask how I would put people to work with a public-service employment program, nurse’s aides are toward the top of my list. How we dispose of our elderly is a crime. The nursing home where my father lived had a locked ward with a glass wall for the people with Alzheimer’s. I’ll never forget that scene of all those people wandering around, neglected. And this was the best Medicare-funded institution in the area. Fortunately, my father had re-married a much younger woman, who was able to visit him quite a bit, as much as she could without driving her blood pressure through the roof.
And George Bush refuses to fully fund stem cell research that could find a cure for these diseases. And he calls himself a “compassionate” conservative.
Korda writes about that his mentor, Robert Gottlieb, who became editor of The New Yorker, used two criteria to evaluate a novel: does the author write with passion and sincerity? Or, in other words, does the author really care about the characters? Technical skill was secondary to him. These factors were primary. I’m trying to keep this point in mind as I write my new book. Passion and sincerity.
And it strikes me that that is why I am hopeful about Barak Obama and John Edwards. They appear to have passion, sincerity, and idealism. Kerry, on the other hand, is a cold, calculating technocrat, like Michael Dukakis. He has carefully molded his whole life with the White House in mind. Bush came across in the second debate with a lot of anger. It was a one-note performance. But at least it was passionate and sincere. You have the feeling that he really is one angry son-of-a-bitch – who wants to strike back at those people who hit us and get government off “our” backs. Kerry, on the other hand, talks rationally about the logic on one policy or another. As Gottlieb would say, “That ain’t what sells.”
Bush may still lose. But if he does, it will be more of a Bush loss than a Kerry victory. If Bush wins, however, and we’re able to survive four more years without getting sucked hopelessly into a self-perpetuating, never-ending Crusade, at least the Democratic Party will be open to the emergence of Edwards and Obama. I could see some real hope in that combination.
At the moment, however, I am not optimistic. Bush may well pull off a Truman and we could follow Israel down a long spiral of darkness. Our best hope is that we are half-way around the world, rather than next door. It’s harder for the terrorists to hit us here. So perhaps the cycle of violence and counter-violence will not become so intense that we won’t be able to come to our senses, rather than being driven by fear and revenge.
Oct. 28, 2004
Dear Wade's Journal Subscribers:
I've decided to stop sending "Wade's Journal."
Thanks for listening.
Take care,\\
--Wade Hudson, Toward Peace, http://towardpeace.org
To stay in touch, subscribe to a Toward Peace e-list at:
http://www.towardpeace.org/elists/index.htm
Nov. 1, 2004
It’s Election Eve and I’m on the Pacific Coast of Mexico in Susan’s condo. I fear that my being away from the heat of battle will tarnish my reputation with many of my friends, even though I spent a week in Nevada walking precincts before coming here. But if it does, it’s just as well. Any such people weren’t real friends to begin with. Or maybe I’m just feeling guilty. It’s certainly a long shot, what I’m doing, trying to write a masterpiece that will boost my credibility to the point that I can do a book tour and promote a Pledge Form. But it seems to be worth a shot, and the fact of the matter is that I would not have made all that much difference as one more foot soldier in the campaign. And also, quite frankly, Kerry did not inspire me.
I certainly need to do something to boost my credibility if I’m going to pursue the path I’m on. I’m getting almost no feedback from any of my mailings. It’s partly that everyone is so immersed in the election. I realize that. I can sense the nervous energy from here. Hell, if they try to steal it again, major riots may break out throughout the country. There’s a scenario for you: an excuse for de facto martial law. Anyway, I knew that my work was hanging by a thread before. Then I sent the October Toward Peace Monthly to 1,500 people and got only four responses, and none to the website, after I practically begged people to post comments there. And then I tell the Wade’s Journal list that I’m discontinuing it, and not one inquiry as to why. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m just trying to face reality. So we shall see. I’ll give it another several months at least, and re-evaluate then. I’m working on a post-election report to the RBCP Steering Committee. Maybe Kerry will win in a clear fashion and my report will prompt some renewed interest. If not, and Mike doesn’t find a publisher, I can always learn Spanish and explore Mexico nine months a year. Not a bad fallback plan.
Meantime, my left eye is almost back to normal, thank God, and I’ve met some interesting people. On my first trip to Puerto Vallarta, to get some special eye drops, I looked around for a good spot to sit while putting them in. I found a shop with two comfy chairs out front. I sat down in one and started reading the instructions. The shopkeeper, Crystal, an employee, came out and soon sat down in the other chair. We got to talking. She had been born in Monterrey, had lived a lot in San Miguel de Allende, and had been in Vallarta for a few years. She told me about a good place for traditional Mexican (folk) music and a good place for Salsa music, and recommended a massage therapist who does "traditional Japanese massage." After finding a "hotel" in my guidebook, I went back Saturday and did all three of Crystal’s recommendations. All were great. The massage turn out to be a combination of Reiki, polarity, Shiatsu (pressure points), aromatherapy, great world music, and many moves she learned from her mother and grandmother, all in a beautiful store front apartment and studio two block from the bay. Afterwards, we talked for about 20 minutes. Great conversation.
I also learned from my guidebook about a free concert every night at 8 PM in an amphitheater right on the beach. That was fun too. Watching the kids play in front of the stage was a gas. Old Puerto Vallarta turns out to be wonderful. Cobblestone streets. Historic character. Lots of shops and activity. Then I walked along the "malecon" looking for the salsa joint. The malecon puts Fisherman's Wharf to shame. A sidewalk right along the bay that goes on for more than a mile. Great arts and crafts and excellent street music. One show involves indigenous men who hang head down from ropes at the top of a 100-foot tall pole and twirl their way down to the beach. I found the salsa place just in time to get a good seat prior to their first show and ate a large plate of ceviche for dinner. Then I walked back to my car and went to hear the folk music. Wonderful. Two margueritas and I slept like a baby.
The hotel is actually a large villa that used to be owned by one of John Muir's nieces. They rent out three or four rooms. It's right on the river and is elegant and beautiful. The enormous bed was a bit soft, but I slept well with no discomfort. There is a small, unusual bathtub in the enormous bathroom. The walls have openings at the top for air circulation. It costs $50. Top-flight hotels are about $100 and would offer more privacy. But where else could you sleep with the ghost of John Muir?
Today, I called my massage therapist, Terumi, and asked her to take me to one of the nearby waterfalls she mentioned. She seemed genuinely interested in doing it, but said she needs to do some research first on how to get there, since it’s been a while for her. I gave her my email address. We shall see.
Then I had dinner with two gringos who are painting the new house they bought recently on a nearby hill. I met them at the Laundromat. Real nice people. We plan to have dinner again Thursday. They asked for a copy of my latest book, which I gave to them. We seem very simpatico, even though he’s a semi-retired Church of Christ minister. Should be interesting.
Those are the only conversations I’ve had of substance. A real “functional silence” retreat. Feels great. I hope my socializing doesn’t throw me off. I’m getting into a pretty good groove writing. Up to 8,000 words so far. Not bad, considering that it took me a while to get settled and then I almost went blind in my left eye.
I know the book is a long shot, but I’m going to write as if it will change the world. I keep reminding myself of Bob Gottlieb’s advice: what matters is writing with passion and sincerity. Lord knows I have enough of that. If I can only translate it into words, I might accomplish something.
Nov. 6, 2004
Well, so much for Dylan’s inspiration. I’m back to using “Expect the worst” as my mantra. “No expectations” and “I prefer to be surprised” just don’t work for me. I can’t help but thinking about the future more than I’d like. So if I’m going to think about the future that much, “Expect the worst” works best. Then I’m less likely to be disappointed, and might even be pleasantly surprised from time to time.
The reality of the matter is that nothing is working. I’m just not eliciting much feedback. Not many people are communicating. Only two or three people sent comments on the election. Only Steven inquired about my decision to stop sending out this Journal (but at least he asked to receive copies of future entries.) I sent out 1500 emails and so far only one person has submitted a comment to the website. CommonDreams rejects another submission. Mike tells me I should work on it more before submitting it elsewhere, and it’s the opening to my book that I worked and reworked it endlessly. And then Mike forgets that we had a date for me to call him and wasn’t home when I did.
Reading Another Life by Michael Korda brought home to me that my writing skills are limited and that it takes enormous ambition to be really successful. I just don’t have that drive and no amount of inspiration from Dylan or anyone else is going to maintain it for me over time, especially if I have to motivate myself mostly by myself.
I’ll stick with this project a bit longer. I’ll try to facilitate the identification of a compelling new statement of purpose for the RBCP and maybe use it as a petition to broaden and deepen my network. But I don’t think it’s going to happen. And I’ll work on this book until January 15 and give Mike what I have and see if he gets me a fairly reputable publisher. If he does, great. I shall proceed full steam ahead and work with him on the catalog. Even if he doesn’t, I’ll work with him to finish a proposal for the catalog, with a sample chapter, while I’m driving taxi for a few months. But if we doesn’t get that contract either, and I don’t think he will, and unless something else emerges at someone’s else’s initiative, with little burden on my shoulders alone, I’ll come back to Mexico as soon as possible, learn Spanish, and travel around South of the Border. Not a bad fall back plan. Truly take a break, rather than all these half-hearted breaks. Maybe even retire from activism.
Apart from these disappointments, my good routine here is working fairly well. I write on the book during the day, surf the Net in the early evening, and process email later. The only problem has been the lack of a reliable sleep pattern. I prefer to know when I’m going to go to sleep, so I don’t have to waste time trying. And the siesta that comes naturally, especially here, has thrown things off. As did my effort last week to stay up later so I could party in Vallarta. But so much for that. On my day of rest, I can go to Vallarta for errands and to see a movie and maybe hear the 8 PM concert, but I think I’ll plan to still go to sleep around 12 on that day as well and maybe even drive home at night rather than spending $25 on a hotel. It may be that six hours sleep at night and a two hour siesta will work. We shall see.
In the meantime, the surf never stops, only 50 feet away. It’s like the earth breathing. What would happen if the earth stopped breathing? I breathe at the same rhythm, in harmony with Mother Nature. After three months of this, I might be really relaxed and a much different person in more ways than one.
Nov. 15, 2004
mid November 2004 – not sent
Dear Penn:
If you want to share this with Doug, feel free. Otherwise, please check with me first.
I hope you don’t mind, but I figure you’re my best bet for some helpful feedback and personal support. We very much seem to be on the same wavelength, I very much trust your judgment, and I feel like I’m at a crossroads with the Reaching Beyond the Choir Project (RBCP).
I feel good about the progress I’m making with the book here on the Mexican coast. I’m cranking out more than 1,000 words a day, so I should finish a good first draft by the end of the year. I’m starting over from scratch, trying to make it more readable and elaborating on the values themes. The book is divided into four parts: The Foundation; Where We Stand; The Framework; Two Stairways. Each of the first three parts are sub-divided into chapters that deal with the personal, the social, and the political. The first chapter, on personal morality, deals with eight moral principles in terms of personal conduct. I then translate each of those into eight corresponding social values, and then translate those into eight political principles. Each level builds on the proceeding level. I think it works and will be unique. Also, the analysis of political movements and the strategic proposals, with which you are familiar, will make the book even more unique.
I could easily focus on this book, and a related project my agent, Mike Larsen, and I are working on, a Progressive Resource Catalog, without proceeding to work on the RBCP. But there could be a synergy between the projects, and I said that I would do the RBCP, and I can do what we have on the plate, and I like to be a man of my word.
But I feel the need for more support and in general I’m not getting much reaction. For example, we transformed the Toward Peace website into a blog so that it could be more interactive. People can now easily post comments on stuff directly to the website. I notified 1,500 people of this development weeks ago. Since then, one person, that’s one as in one, has posted a comment to the website.
The fact is that neither myself, Toward Peace, nor the Reaching Beyond the Choir Project has enough credibility to elicit much response from people. A book under my belt might help. Mike has said that he will try to get me a small or medium sized publisher. I’m willing to get a van-conversion and travel the country extensively on a book tour. If I do that, it would help Mike get a better contract, with more money for promotion, for the catalog. I think I already have lots of contacts throughout the country who would arrange book readings, especially if we get a fairly well know publisher. But if I were able to increase the size and improve the quality of my network, that would help boost the tour – which is one reason I’ve been intrigued with the idea of a Pledge. It could link me up with supporters. I’m even gearing the book toward making the last chapter a request that people sign the Pledge. The content of the Pledge is somewhat flexible in my mind, but the We Are Family submission is basically a summary of the book. I doubt that the RBCP process is going to give strongest support to the We Are Family option, but Toward Peace could still circulate a Pledge later, independently.
Then Regina’s and Richard’s statements hit me like a blow to the solar plexus. Granted, there is ambiguity there, but I interpret Regina’s comments to suggest that maybe we should not proceed at all.
Maybe I’m projecting my own desire not to have to proceed. It could be a bit embarrassing if we prepare a form, publish it on the Web, spend a few hours sending out emails, ask people to evaluate the options, and only get a handful of responses. If I send out 50-100 personal emails, that could increase a barebones response, but it would still be weak. On the other hand, if Znet or National Voice or Kucinich or MoveOn were to publicize the polling, the response could be enormous, which could increase the size of our network and make it more interactive. But then again, I could just focus on writing the damn book.
But I don’t think I was projecting into Regina’s statement and I think it is partly personal. She and I have known each other for 30 years. We’ve always been friendly but not close. She hadn’t been politically active for 10 years when she got very enthusiastic about RBCP. One night, while talking on the phone, she kept interrupting me. I said, “I have a problem,” and explained how I talk slow, maybe because I’m from the South. She stopped interrupting me, but she has been very uncommunicative ever since. I asked her once, in general, if I had offended her, but she said No. I don’t trust her denial, however. And I take it to be another example of how and why we need to work on HOW we work together.
But people just don’t get it. I’m beginning to see why Lerner and Lakoff have been so frustrated with the Left. Maybe I need to do an end run around the Left and post stuff on Belief.Net and such and try to build a network that way. It’s not about me, though. I’d love to plug into a project of the sort that I seek without having to start it. I’ve done it before. I’d certainly do it again.
Don Hazen at AlterNet understands. Maybe I’ll just walk into his office with the manuscript early next year and say, Can you use this? Is there anyway I can help you? Promote you on a book tour? Maybe they could do the catalog with us.
Anyway, not feeling much support on all this in general and then finding Regina and Richard’s comments to be unsupportive, I had been thinking about asking the Steering Committee if they want to continue and declaring that unless five people say yes and that they are willing to read one report a week and speak up if they disagree, I will stop be Coordinator.
But your input points us in the direction of a compromise. I’ve never been wedded to the idea of a Pledge Form or petition for RBCP. Our policies only say that we will “try.”
So I’m inclined to proceed as if everything were normal. Remind people about the minimal requirements of being a Steering Committee member. Maybe suggest that they resign if they can’t or aren’t into doing even that. And clarify that we will consider doing a petition only if one statement emerges with very strong support, which may well not be likely.
Then do some outreach, do a form so that evaluations will be uniform and can be tabulated, invite people to comment more on the website, and give everyone until January 7 to spread the word and turn in their evaluations.
I’m rambling. Stream of consciousness. Sorry about that. But I feel better. Thanks for listening.
I’m really alone down here. And being away makes it more and more clear about the limits of my old friendships. I feel like I lived and worked on the margins all those years, became friends with marginalized people who had not matured, then suddenly in recent years became much healthier myself, and find myself dissatisfied with my old friendships. Maybe I’m being arrogant. Maybe it’s just that we’ve grown in different directions. Then Gil Lopez and Steve Sears died. I’m really quite alone. A lot of good friends, but no real soul mates. But they say the life of a writer is a solitary life. So I guess I might as well try to write. I just wish I were better.
Anyway, in the meantime, if you’re not careful, you’ll become my pen pal and I’ll dump all my shit on you regularly!
Dec. 12, 2004
Never sent
Wade’s Journal: Reply YES To Subscribe
Dear Friends:
Here’s another take on a semi-private journal. Please reply YES to this email if you want to receive future entries.
My plan is to share these personal reports with people with whom I’ve experienced a strong personal connection in the past and with whom I would like to stay connected in the future.
I will not be baring my soul in this journal or venting frustrations, fears, resentments, or other negative feelings about my personal life. If and when I need to do that, I will do it with people in person or in another journal. Rather, with this journal, I aim to be positive, or if not, at least neutral or detached. In particular, I hope to share discoveries that may be of interest to you.
At the moment, I’m sitting on the balcony of a $50 per night cabana at Hotel Lagunita in Yelapa, Mexico with my laptop. My sister, Mary Hudson, and her partner, Brad Reed, are in the adjacent cabana. We are having a wonderful, relaxing time on the Pacific Coast of Mexico. Llights dot the shore across the bay. Crickets sing. The surf washes against the shore softly, for the bay is well protected by a narrow mouth. The other cabanas are hidden by trees and lush vegetation, so it feels as if we are alone.
Yelapa is a small village on the coast south of Puerto Vallarta. It is accessible only by boat. My guidebook said that Yelapa resembles a South Pacific island, and so far as I can tell, that description fits. We took a 35-minute water taxi ride, barely squeezing in among the cargo and a boatload of people. Among thirty or so passengers, we were the only people on the boat coming here to stay overnight. Others were going to see a waterfall and some apparently live farther down the shore.
If we had known, we would have been barefoot and gotten out of the boat when it pulled up near our hotel. As it was, we got off at the dock and had to walk a mile through the village. Fortunately, a guide appeared who led us up and down the path and through a river that was almost knee-deep, all of which added to the adventure of visiting an isolated area. The hotel is great, however, and its restaurant in excellent. Needless to say, the temperature is ideal.
In Vallarta, Mary and Brad stayed at the Casa del Puente, a villa that was built decades ago by a relative of John Muir. It also costs about $50 per night and is hidden away among trees along side the river that flows through the old town. The beautifully furnished villa includes a large room and two apartments that are rented to tourists. Myself, I stayed at the Villa del Mar for about $25 per night. All of us love old Vallarta, with its cobblestone streets, traditional architecture, and relaxed atmosphere.
Before and after Vallarta/Yelapa, Mary and Brad are staying with me in Rincon de Guayabitos, which is about one hour north of Vallarta, easily accessible by bus from the airport. Guayabitos and neighboring La Penita are also located on a beautiful bay. Many affordable hotels line the beach in Guayabitos, and even less expensive bungalows with kitchens are only a block or two from the beach. Few gringos are seen in Guayabitos and during the week, not many Mexicans are on the two-mile long beach. On weekends, however, tour buses bring Mexicans to Guayabitos like buses bring Californians to Tahoe.
I plan to stay in Guayabitos another month or so, working on a new project with Mike Larsen about which I am very hopeful – a de facto sequel to the Whole Earth Catalog. Our working title is: Making America Better – A Progressive Resource Directory. We plan both print and Web versions and are exploring using wiki software for the Web version to facilitate prospects for the project being highly collaborative. Our mission is to provide selective, comprehensive resources that people can use to enhance personal, social, and political progressive change.
Along that line, I highly recommend The Rise of Open-Source Politics, which is at:
Now that I’m sixty, I feel that I’ve finally grown up and risen above the anger that motivated me most of my life. I now feel motivated more deeply by great feelings of love and aim to concentrate my energies more effectively to make more of a difference in the time that I have remaining. Last year, I survived a near-fatal car wreck. This year, I survived an even more traumatic detached retina. My resolution for next year is: steady course straight ahead, no detours, no roadblocks.
In the past, I’ve always worked best with a co-equal partner who contributed a comparable about to our project. I haven’t had that kind of partnership for years now. I feel that I do now with Mike Larsen, who conceived the idea of the Progressive Resource Catalog. Mike’s been a literary agent for decades and has helped get hundreds of books published. He said that this catalog could have more of an impact than all of his other books combined. I think he’s right.
But one never knows. But I do know already that working on it will be a great learning experience. That’s enough for me.
For more than 40 years, my life has been dedicated to the relentless search for truth, justice, and beauty. The same remains true today. And now that I can get by with my income as a co-owner of my cab company, perhaps without driving much at all myself, maybe I can really concentrate on my heart’s desire.
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